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SERAFINA

Notes to Serafina

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posts about Serafina Samadhi:
TMI Tuesday: August 23, 2011
Jump into the Deep End
The Collar I Wear
Oatmeal in the Morning
The Rocks Cry Out
When You Have Strayed From A Path. . . Return!
Making Up is Hard To Do
Rolling and Movement - The Flow of Life
My Journey

VOTE - ohhh darlings how will Serafina's poor butt burn?




Submissive Series: 
1- How To Become a Submissive- if you don't think you are yet
2- Cringing at the word Submission
3- Submission like Love is a Choice
4-  O Depression!
5-  On morals and ethics concerning triads, and whether we own our partners issues
6-  On Self-Destructive behavior
7- Wanted . . .a Dom. . . a master. . .Looking for Love 
8- Accepting Your Body but Making Changes 
9- Struggling For Submission


Serafina's limits:
Cages, isolation,
Humiliation - spitting, floor licking.
cattle prod
Children
Animals
Needles
Blood, bruising, welts

Real pain  
Un-safe sex
Feces/Urine ingestion


Random Facts about Serafina:




I am the eldest of 5 girls, 1 boy born into a strict Amish-Mennonite family.  Girls were forced to wear dresses and not allowed to participate in school sports much.

None of my siblings are internet savey to this day, but I self taught PC security and many things pertaining to maintaining a smooth and safe computing.

When I began school I only spoke German, and was very isolated because of the language barrier.  I also was transferred to 3 different schools in the first grade because the school district could not decide which district to assign us to.

By the time I was turning 6 I was helping my mom in the kitchen, and garden, and hanging laundry to dry on a line outdoors.  I also had my very own garden plot.  Mom would give us whatever I wanted to plant, but the condition was it had to be kept weeded.  I loved playing "market Garden" where we would "sell" our fresh produce of green beans, carrots, peas, etc which we had produced on our own with my siblings. By 7 years of age

I was steering a small case tractor while my dad picked up and piled hay-bales on a sled.

I was milking 2 cows every evening by the time I was 10.  And, gathering eggs was the easy part.  Mucking barns was hard work as was mowing about 3 acres with a gas push mower.  By 13 I was driving a duel-wheel Versatile Pivoting tractor with more than 3 implements in tow from 6AM till 10 PM.

I spent 3 years in a darkroom and had the luxury of a 35mm camera at my disposal in High school, I did all the photography for the school year-book during those years.  I loved every minute of that. 



I was also a budding artist.  Lack of supplies caused me to get creative.  I made paintings coloring them with 62 wax crayons I'd got for Christmas and I melted the wax off with a hot iron so the colors were embedded to the paper.

During high school I had to fight hard to remain in school because children were expected to earn a living to contribute to the family income by the time they reached 15.  With the help of teachers I managed to stay in school and graduated with a full diploma in 1972.

I learned to play the brass trumpet in High-school,  I also learned to play a six-string guitar on my own.  I tried to play it as a steel guitar for a while. At the age of 42 I began lessons on a 5-pc drum-kit, and discovered that my rhythm had been ruthlessly shut down when my mom couldn't stand my incessant drumming patterns.

I married before I turned 20, but I waited until I was 23 before starting a family. I had 4 children deliberately spaced across 4 decades from 1078 to 1991.  My first born was killed by a drinking young person who was convicted but never suffered a single consequence.  My ex of 37 years alienated all the other children after that. They still have nothing to do with me after 12 years because they believe I am evil.

I have raised sheep, goats, chickens, turkeys, rabbits for meat and mini bunnies for pets.  I also bred and raised Red Factor show canaries.  I won third place one year and second another in the association I belonged to. I kept honeybees for 5 years. I butchered my own chickens.

I co-pastored a youth group for 5 years. I no longer attend church.  I have strong spiritual convictions, I am fascinated by Ancient Aliens, and Quantum Physics. I am a second level Reikei.

I planned and built a playhouse for my children that would be a cute shed after they were finished with it.

I have entertained over 50 kids at once as a pizza party for which I made 39 pizzas and bought 29 more frozen one held back in reserve in case what I made was not enough.  I followed that by a spaghetti dinner another time that same summer.  They were mostly street kids and generally shunned by adults, but they were all kids who knew my son before he was mowed down.

I attended Seattle's Hemp-fest in 2003, and had a blast!

I volunteered at the Kwantlan (Salish Nation) Pow-Wows for 4 years and was "adopted" by them which is a great honor.  I also have had the privilege of sitting in a sweat lodge and learning culture of the First Nations (Native Indians) for those not from Canada.

I have immigrated from Canada to the Midwest, USA.    I love to travel and see new places.  I have never been over-seas.  I have been as far north to Peace River in northern Alberta, lived on the West Coast Vancouver, BC for over 20 years and been as far east as Ottawa.  There are many more places in North America I want to experience. I love RV-ing.

I fell in love with an American Man!!  I am  married to Master Michael Samadhi who is my Soul mate. I am his submissive love slave.  There is nothing I would not consider for Master Michael.

I Create and teach Faberge Eggs.  I am building a Miniature Dollhouse which will have BDSM furniture and activities at some point.

I am somewhat dyslexic as I have trouble with sequenced verbal lists and I have to seriously think about which way is left.

I have chronic allergies, and fibromyalgia.  I was a member of a medical cannabis group and had a Dr's permit. I would rather use an herb or supplement before chemical drugs.  I have never been drunk, but I have been tipsy.

My favorite colors are blue, and black goes with everything.


My Personal Journey into BDSM

This is a work in continual process and progress and may change frequently 

I had heard of BDSM. It didn't scare me, nor did it appeal to me. It was just, well there - in the cartoons or the odd penthouse letter. Not that I read a lot of them, but my first husband had bought a number of them for himself, as he enjoyed masturbating to them and preferred that over me. So porn was not that tempting for me. Over the years I had been trying to do anything to have him notice me and engage me, so I scoured the libraries and bookstores for help and found a vast array of tantra that very much appealed to me.

Meeting of Master Michael


I was heading up an on-line self-help discussion board dedicated to those many of us who suffer pains, and untreatable conditions of life maladies hoping to find camaraderie, and to pass tips and ways of coping. When Michael discovered the site and began to participate I was elated because he was a brilliant writer. It was easy to see that he was a learned man, and he research any topic before he wrote on it. We had a community chat-room and I would chit chat with various members.

One day Michael was on and he and another member began a discussion and I discovered that Michael had a lot of knowledge on Tantra and said he was Tantric. Now I was keenly interested and began asking questions. I discovered he was married, and so was I so I knew romance was not going to happen, but I was happy to add a knowledgeable friend. With time I discovered that Michael and his wife were poly-amory which was a new term to me. After a series of very interesting and sensuous discussions, and foraging a friendship his wife was going to come and visit me. I was elated and they invited me to come play with them. While Blissful Torment was visiting she took the lead in activities that would turn heads for anyone who was sexually starved for the past 30 years.

My daughter had had many sleep-overs and I had no qualms about sliding under the cover of the davenport bed in the living-room long after the household had gone to sleep as we sat and chatted late into the dark. Here however the conversation ceases and she whispered into my ear “have you ever known a woman's kiss?. . Let me show you. . “ the next day she informed me that they were prepared to pay for expenses to have me visit them and that she and Michael had thoroughly discussed it and that they were going divorce so that Michael could marry me to make it more convenient and legal for me to remain with them. I was so impressed and honored to be treated with such favor.

Michael made is very clear that my spouse had to know the nature of the visit. I informed my husband about the invitation and told him it might involve sex, but he didn't care if I traveled if someone else paid the way, and he thought I was kidding about the sex. I told him I was not, but he was sure. He later revolted when I told him the details including the sex. I already had lived in a relationship that had died many years ago, and I had a feeling that life was about to turn a page and reveal a new chapter for me.

She leaves, I stay.


I have now begun in earnest to discover what this BDSM is all about and explore it with Master Michael foraging the way and he begins to open doors for me. I am excited and scared all at the same time. Sometimes that sends me into a panic and because I become very self aware which embarrasses me, which causes me to “dig in”. Unfortunately, because Master has been accused by very close members at divers time that he is weird and abusive, when I “dig in” it has a very profound effect of discouraging him and he feels hopeless and threatens to shut down.

I have no desire to shut down BDSM nor what it means to our relationship. I am submissive by nature, but I have also been “in charge” for a very long time. I have a deep need to understand reasons for doing things. It is very difficult for me to “just do it” without knowing why. So it has been an interesting journey so far in which I have discovered things within myself. Some things I am happy and glad about. But it is also enabling me to see that I have yet still much to relearn. Some things appear that make me cringe and I would rather not face them. If all I thought of was myself, I am convinced I could hide my insecurities from all and never have to deal with any.

I choose to attempt to become a better person. I understand that this taxes Master Michael to push through with my many, and odd and entirely unexpected events that just sneak up on one. It also plays on his own issues of insecurities brought on by former close associations of his past, and can bring on feeling of defeat.

One moment Master marvels at how easily I engage him with a golden shower which is spontaneous and then “act out” when he makes a simple request to imitate something playing out on our screen. It always takes me completely by surprise when it does happen. Let me share a for instance.

One Dark Night



We are both been extra sore and tired before the weekend, but we both want to play and engage. So Master took a few episodes of Kink.com clips to play them in our bed/playroom. All went really well because we had agreed that I did better when we watch the clips without side-line playing. I feel like It helps me to learn more and absorb more if I don't have to focus my thoughts on what is going on and be tuned in to pleasing and focusing on what Master wants. After the first clip Master turned to me and asked if what we were watching was making me wet. I replied “no, I didn't think so very much because I wasn't feeling anything other than observing and learning. Master reached down between my legs and did discover some moisture. He was triumphant, but I rather dismissed the wetness because there is always some moisture deep within anyways. He asked me to begin masturbating, to imitate the girl on the screen. I was rather shy but did as he asked me to and it was just a small thing to do.

The girl had just been asked what she tended to focus on and what got her off, when I suddenly realized that I do not think of doing sexy or thinking sexy when I masturbated in the past; and that I would always get very alone and quiet and focus solely on the sensations I was feeling, and how they would build as long as I could stay focused on the sensation. I would cum once, and then get on with stuff. I began to think that I have little imagination for sexy and perhaps I needed to somehow find a way to begin to develop it. I had begun some reading assignments that are fiction. As a pure realist this is even a stretch for me, but I knew it might help some.

As I was thinking these thoughts 2 of the girls on the screen began to recite the character qualities Kink.com requires their signed slaves to repeat. I didn't quite catch it at first and Master began saying the words and then asked me to recite with them. I thought that we were not sceneing and still relaxingly talking things over. I went real quiet, shocked a bit that I was required to do that. He asked again if I could do that- I didn't hear the words “for him”- and I said no, I don't really want to.. . I don't understand the need to, and it felt petty, and silly. I was feeling awkwardly shy about preforming. What was the point? I felt Master stiffen and pull away. Then he declared he was done and we were not BDSM material! So yeah. . I freaked out and cried bitterly thinking what a disappointment I must be to him and a failure.

A Realization



Like I said, I am learning things about myself I am not particularly liking much. But I think I am learning a lot and becoming a better person for it. The most thrilling words I hear from Master is that he is getting his “mojo” back and he is feeling much more in character when he plays with me. But all that is canceled when I feel like he is pulling away from me. And I didn't understand what had gone so drastically wrong. I felt positive and just a little peevish in replying to him and had not noticed the transition, and suddenly all was no more. Devastated doesn't even come close to how I felt at that moment. An hour ago he was delighted to piss on me and now he was so out-raged by such a small and trivial thing.

I began to realize that the reason I felt embarrassed was because I hate like everything to be a copy-cat. Just as much I dislike it when others copy-cat me. In fact I have a lot of self-preservationist pride. Everyone needs a healthy dose of Narcissism. It is essential. However it can ever so slyly tip the scales into negativism. I don't desire to be like that. Yes is was a simple stupid thing. There was no real harm in it so why was it so difficult? It really boiled down to a pride issue and I was indignant to be reduced to what in my mind seem kindergarten activities.

On the flip-side I also have come to understand that Master sometimes relies on porn for inspiration, and as such he finds it satisfying to play along. And he did recently make it clear to me that when a submissive says no it means refusal.  Also since his former spouses and others used so much personal information to accuse him, it makes him stop everything when some says no within playing.  Sometimes it is difficult to switch or transition without a clear delineation.  

Hopefully the Journey Continues



I really really do hate being the cause for Master's discouragement. Sometimes I think if I didn't have such a need to know, that I could simply trust and do everything he asks of me. I also wish I had a steel-trap memory and an auto- connection device that informed me when I am about to run headlong into a hedge of thorns. I really am discovering things about me that I think are pretty neat after all, because Master Michael points out my high qualities readily.

Only a year to more ago I might not have been able to tell anyone what I might or might not consider. Any of these may or might not change over time, I can not say. This is not listed in any particular order.

> I do feel very strongly against what I term impersonal sex. I do not want to be fucked with a machine or with a dick on a stick. The first says I am to lazy or bored to play but I'll fixya with this!! The second says you are too revolting to get near to -so here. . I'll poke you with a tenfootpole!!

>It may not be necessary to rescue that damsel in distress because she is OK with it.  There is a realistic chance that the damsel sign up and is willing because she knows the pay-out is good. and/or she said in the interview that she likes it.

> I have a lot of self-preservationist pride. I don't desire to remain like that. I am determined to pull down my self-reliant defenses and understand that trusting Master is safe, and no one has yet died of embarrassment. God help me.

> I love thundery floggers! I also enjoy the variety of floggers,whips, paddles, and canes even and how skilled Master is at wielding them. I am even learning to accept and enjoy some stronger sensations.

>Not a new lesson but one that is refreshed at every turn. . The more I learn,the more I learn the less I really know. What I once knew I am not sure of. What I once was very sure of doesn't seem so secure.

Comments

  1. I was just about to comment on Michael's post that I was looking forward to reading your 100 random facts and then saw your post at the end - I love them!! You are simply an amazing woman, and I have so much respect for who you are after all of the things you have been through. You are strong and authentic and I love that about you.

    I think you and Michael together make an exceptional pair. :)

    Becca
    xoxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms Awake!
      We both think you are an exceptional friend too!! Thank you!

      Delete
  2. You are an amazing Woman and have come so far in your life. I look up to you and hope one day I will fully understand myself.

    ReplyDelete

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