Saturday, April 14, 2012

not fan fiction . . . 50 Shades of Sellout

It's not everyday that a book with BDSM content makes best seller lists. Sadly, it's not always the best books that become the best sellers either.  I suppose that's true for other art forms with a popular side.  

For instance, the so called "Bubblegum Rock" of the 1970's was vastly popular in it's day, generating lots of airplay and record sales.  But, it is rarely played today, not even on stations that exclusively play music from that era.  

The converse is also often true.  The first album by the Velvet Underground originally had dismal sales, The Velvet Underground & Nico topped out on the Billboard record charts at #171, but it's gone on to become one of the most influential records of it's era.

Obviously, as in the world of book publishing, the popularity of a album isn't a good indicator of it's quality and ability to stand the test of time.  Why would BDSM fiction be any different?

I have great respect for author Laura Antoniou, her BDSM fiction is very well written.  Antoniou's treatment of the BDSM lifestyle is done with such style, realism, and panache; it's become the inspiration for a number of other works in a variety of mediums,'s The Upper Floor being just one example.

While the Marketplace series obviously takes place in a world that doesn't really exist today, her characters are realistically written and generally have real depth.  That's something that can't be said for most other writers of BDSM erotica, who it seems struggle to have their cast of characters become anything more than cliches.

So, when Laura Antoniou publicly roasts an underwritten but over-hyped book that has won a popularity contest or two in the vanilla world, I'm going to take notice.

Furthermore, when she appends the words "Feel free to share!" at the end of said parody, my darling Serafina had better run off to a riverboat and bet her sweet submissive ass that I'm going to repost . . . 
50 Shades of Sellout

"Double Crap!" Tiffany extrapolated, as she realized her perfectly perky 37D breasts had gained another D overnight. "Now what will I wear to the company party! I must make a good impression on Mr. Momzer Macher, the new President and CEO and CFO and CBO and...oh, whatever he is!" Sighing with frustration, the gorgeous blonde gazed at her mirror image and fingered the honey gold waves of her naturally wavy hair. "I know! I will wear that daring leather bustier that my gay BFF talked me into buying at that strange street fair he took me to in San Francisco! Gee, I wonder if he worked things out with that hunk he met that day. He said he was into leather, but when I asked him where to find a good purse, he just laughed."

She blinked her cerulean eyes in her memory and then went to get her fetching outfit. It was tight in all the right places and really emphasized her 37-24-36 shape, and the leather felt so stiff and hot and sexy against her alabaster skin! And how it molded her perfect 110 pounds! "How will I ever get through the night without fainting?" she wondered as she strapped her tiny, delicate alabaster feet into her four inch heels, deciding not to take the really high ones. "Good thing I already threw up."

At the party, everyone was in their fanciest clothes and the music was awesome and loud and there was dancing and great food like chicken fingers and the little hot dogs in pastry and sushi and tapas and stuff. Tiffany said hi to all her girlfriends, except for Boring Brenda and kissed all the gay guys and was licking a cherry popsicle that had a fancy imported liquor in it when suddenly she saw...HIM.
Like. O. M. G. There he was, so freaking hot. In his leather pants from Dolce and Gabanna and his black silk shirt and really expensive black tie and black jacket and black diamond stick pin through the really expensive black tie and his ink black hair and jet black eyes and his big feet in big, black boots, oh, he was so into black.

"you're Tiffany," he murmured as he leaned in toward her, gracefully looking at her plunging cleavage, and her heaving alabaster breasts.

He was so tall! Even with her lithe 5'7" frame enhanced by those 4" heels, he was at least a foot taller! And his piercing black eyes pierced her to her very soul.

"I...I..." Tiffany stammered, letting her booze popsicle drip, drip, drip down her hand to splat, splat, splat on the floor. She bit her full, ruby red lips in luscious lasciviousness.

"I'm disgustingly rich and dominant," he sneered dominantly. "you will be Mine!"

"Oh, wow," Tiffany seized. "Um. Wow. OK. Sure. What does that mean, exactly?"

"I have a checklist!" he said triumphantly, while texting an URL to her. "Go to My Web Page and fill it out, and tell Me whether you like, dislike, or are neutral about the 300 activities and fetishes listed there, and whether you've done them before and with whom, and what you thought about it, and then rate them on a scale of 1-10 on whether you'd like to do it now, tomorrow, next week, or after the Mayan Apocalypse."

"Um," Tiffany coughed out, a delicate flush gathering on her porcelain features, her beautiful, full lips, her high, sculpted cheekbones, her delicately feathered eyebrows and her oh-so-cute upturned nose. "But I'm sure I haven't done anything on your list at all! Despite being an adult in 2012, working at your huge corporation and having been through some form of schooling, I am still completely virginal and know nothing at all about kinky sex! I am beautiful, though."

His anthracite eyes brightened under His heavy, midnight brows and He gazed at her with an acquisitional hunger, like a Guy who hasn't had anything to eat in days. And yet she could see some painful memory, some dark - dare she think black? - secret lurking behind those onyx eyes.

"Then you're really going to be Mine!" he thundered. "Because I Alone can teach you the gift of submission, give rise to your slave heart, grant to you the loving dominance of My Masterful Aggression, all tempered, of course, with rationality and with all due care and attention given to risk-aware negotiation! I will teach you to serve Me with your submissive soul, your passive power, your girly gushiness, train you to come at the snap of My Fingers and find true freedom in your complete subjugation to My Will. will even learn...Bad Grammar."

"Triple crap!" Tiffany declaimed. "All that? is that possible? It all sounds crazy! And yet...when I look into your charcoal eyes under that irrepressible lock of ebony hair, as I run my searching, trembling fingers across the steel buttons on your sable silk shirt, all I can think of is...Jesus Christ, I am so horny I can die. I think. But i don't really know, because of the virgin thing?"
Mr. Momzer Macher took her pale, shaking hand and led her gentle, undulating form away from the party into his private boardroom where the table could be set up like a bed and tumbled her back onto it.

"I will teach you, little one," he said with intrepid confidence in himself. "And you will be my prized little party girl possession for all time. Just like the last seventeen."

"Oh, quadruple crap!" she extremed, as he tore away her leather bustier with one hand and fell on her like a ravening wolf. A ravening black wolf.

To be continued...OK, not really.

Feel free to share!
And for SM fiction of a different color, see
Author Laura Antoniou


  1. This has to be some sort of bad joke. The first three times i began reading i quit. i finally persevered and made it through what i can only assume was a tiny sampling of the book.

    Really i'm nearly speechless, i'm not sure i would know where to begin. Here's what i can say; this disaster sounds as though it were written by someone who has never spent one day or hour even, involved in a BDSM relationship.

    Add on the fact how it makes us living and breathing the reality of this lifestyle, appear to those who might get their first glance at BDSM, through this book. Let's hope that the author wouldn't be thought of as an "expert" in the field.

    Of course, that's just *my* opinion. =) heh.

  2. Yes my dear, it is a joke by Laura Antoniou, but you have to have read the book "50 Shade of Grey" to really get it . . .

    She is making fun of the "50 shades of grey" books - although the original isn't quite as bad as the parody . . .

  3. That was soooooooooooo funny Sir. Seriously, mouse just about spit her iced tea all over the iPad!

    Wonderful parody!


  4. We enjoyed this, though we've yet to read 50 Shades of Grey. It certainly seems to be the subject of much debate of late.

  5. Throwing my two cents in! :)

    Ah the irony! Friday my sister tells me about this book and she is *mesmerized*. Now one thing I would like to say about my sister is she is a huge lover of all things literary. She is a complete book nerd, and I she's recommended authors and books that I would have never read before simply because she is, what I call her, an adventurer reader - always looking for something new and interesting. Not the best seller list, hidden gems mostly. And she is always very successful. She reads up and coming lists too, just to stay on top of the book world. If I have a literary question - I go to Jill. *Anyway*

    She knows about my predilection towards BDSM, and how my life has changed completely in the last year because of it. So when she read the blurb about this book, she downloaded it, read the first one and told me I had to go and read this - I went straight to the local book store after work.

    I read the first book in one day, finished it yesterday afternoon. It's a glorified Harlequin romance... BUT I enjoyed it anyway. I kind of see it like, for example, I love good food - I appreciate fresh, local ingredients, presentation, the time and love it takes to prepare an excellent meal. I even consider myself a bit of a foodie (I watch Alton Brown and subscribe to Fine Cooking), and reading and enjoying the book feels like getting caught eating McDonald's. I'm kind of embarrassed that I liked it.

    Is E.L. James an exceptional writer? No. Is it formula? Yes. Does she use the same fucking words over and over again? Ugh, yes (it can be painful). Is it totally fantasizing the hell out of BDSM? Maybe. I guess it depends on how romantic a heart you have. I would much rather a more realistic BDSM love story... I guess I'll just have to write my own. ;) One where the heroine isn't a nubile 21 year old, whose eye colour stays consistent (was her editor even reading the books? Sheesh.) Will I read the other two books? Yes. Why? Because I am a softy, romantic chump who wants to see the girl get the guy in the end. Plus porn.

    1. aw Ms Awake!!

      you have literally taken the words to the review I was intending to write! only-you voiced it so much better than I could have! I need to ask Master to let your words sum up the sordid matter!!

    2. You are not allowed to let her words speak for you, you must still find your own. Unless the original assignment is a group one, using another's words would be considered a form of plagiarizing, that's not recommended unless you are itching for a really sore bottom.

    3. Serafina you are so sweet!! Thank you for saying so. :) I think you, Jill and myself all feel the same way - every now and then it's okay to indulge in a guilty, mindless pleasure. Where the hero, Sir Gawain is as noble as he is handsome. Just be sure to brush your teeth after such a sweet treat! ;)

      If you ever need me for a group assignment, let me know. ;)

    4. What funny timing - I was just writing an email to Serafina to see if she had finished reading 50 Shades yet, and thought I'd check the blog first - only to find this.

      I loved 50 Shades. Make no mistake - it is a dreadful piece of literary tripe, and in no way portrays BDSM in any way. But, I never took it as anything but what it is: A trashy romance!! I loved the old style trashy romances with pirates and bandits who were really good guys. This is the same thing - every woman's Cinderella fantasy. While I am thrilled that not every woman has a fantasy of finding a husband who loves her beyond all meaning, and is also breathtakingly gorgeous, and oh yeah, a billionaire - I'm not one of those. I like men who don't meet those qualifications too, but fantasy is fantasy. And on that score, the book delivered for me.

      I must also admit that by the time I got through the third one, I was heartily sick of the repetitive sex scenes, and the lack of any imaginative BDSM play. Even so, I still rate them as major fun. I never got the impression they were claiming to be anything but romantic fantasy, so maybe that's why I was not disappointed.

      The Marketplace? Also a fantasy, but better written, and a much darker class of fantasy. Definitely makes for hotter reading for people of my ilk, but no more realistic than 50 Shades. Just more BDSM and less vanilla sex.

      So - sorry Serafina, now you get no email!!!

    5. That's OK. . although I am a huge fan of personal email!. . Master did give me permission to take small quotes from some of the comments here so I just may!!. . the more there are the more complicated it gets to choose. . Oh well!!!
      Just get writing already!

  6. Ms. Awake, have you read the Marketplace Series by the aforementioned Laura Antoniou? If you haven't, pleaseplease do so.

    1. I haven't! Thank you for the recommendation, I will totally do so! And tell my sister about it. :)

  7. Sort of knowing Laura & defenatley knowing her writing I think this was hysterical. In sure she was having fun taking a break from her norm & writing something so silly.

    1. x2

      I wanna see/hear her read it out loud...I think that would be frickin' HILARIOUS.

  8. Great parody Laura! All the hype over 50shades is
    so so silly. It's just an entertaining read. good to get vanillas horney. Not a BDSM how-to. Not even a commentary on the "lifestyle". Its just a little story for when you don't want to think too hard.


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