Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Leaving the world at the door

In my previous post- Sliding into Submission - working it out in real life I wanted to begin a dialogue which will help us as a couple to create a very real way to step into and back out of the work-day world.  I have been doing a lot of pondering on that topic.

photo by Serafina Samadhi
Some in BDSM relationships  have very intense routines and protocols.  Routines could involve greetings, positions, and other actions that establish "We are now leaving the outside world behind and entering our sacred place."   Most of us have certain things we do. . like setting our keys, bag , and coat away.  And changing into "home" clothes.  Many of have learned that in order to keep track of things, it is helpful to consistently do some things repetitively.

In our BDSM world, there are more  people who implement protocols and rituals for some very valid reasons.  It seems like they develop an awareness or they realize a need.  One primary consideration would be the need to keep prying and critical eyes out of our affairs.   We do live in a very real planet and we do have to earn a living,  Even as "freaks" we have basic needs to clothe, feed and shelter.  But as freaks we tend to be- in general - more mindful then - to have a clear delineation between the differing realities.  Rituals do however, provide a core structure around which everything else is built.

In a Vanilla world one does come across people who have the ability to have great relationships, but the Vanilla Society in general is not nearly as concerned with people interaction as is the BDSM community.  By that I mean that I have heard so many women wish that their husbands would spend ANY quality time with them.  In the BDSM relationships, that are both loving and spiritual, that some women are learning to be careful what they wish for, as they may have far more attention bestowed upon then they were prepared for.   In Spiritual BDSM it is ALL about each other,  For some that can be overwhelming, and for others it is very comforting.  For me it is the latter, but there is a learning curve, never-the-less.

In the BDSM Realm,  we are a diverse society.  We represent all ages and backgrounds and experiences.  Submissives, Slaves, or Dominants or Master. . .there are none  alike and every unit decides on and works out certain protocols and rituals based on what satisfies a particular need.  If the Master is wise he will be sensitive to just where his submissive partner is at.  Is she young?, what is her background?, what are her strengths? will all be important to deciding on creating rituals.  If she is from a strong Catholic or other setting, she may find much comfort and stability in patterns that imitate such as a meditation rosary, or other liturgy.  Depending on the person, they may be self-disciplined or may be in need of accountability.

Bearing in mind that all relationship require negotiation and acceptance by both the Dom and the Sub; the older, experienced  or natural submissive may only need and desire more subtle protocols or whatever is both suitable and desirable by the sub.  Even when the Dom sets out strong rules, the sub commits to those by action, contract or in any written or verbal form- it is a deliberate choice - even if at a sooner or later point, they have a change of heart.  I see more people who vacillate, because they really have never thought much of anything out at all, nor do they even know what they really want. All that is the subject of navigation and negotiation, and creating, planning and living the rituals and protocols is also a big part of that.

The bottom line is that rituals and protocols need to work for everyone.  Different strokes for different folks.  What I get or take from a ritual may look very different for some other.  I may place value on a method that may look stupid or be revolting to another.  What is important is the results.  If it pleases the Dom and Sub has no moral issues with an act or behavior, and if it places both in a reciprocal space, it is working well.  What really matters is how well is it working for you?

It is so easy to loose sight of our intentions.  We mean to keep them but all the cares and concerns we have become so ever present and it is easier not to pay attention to our goals.  Maybe it's time to spend a little less time pursuing all the wonders of the internet, and instead turn and face each other in a Tantric activity.  It is something to ponder.


  1. This is so nicely explained. I think it's necessary not just for work to couple transitions, but for us - the role switching from parents, to a couple, to D/s and all the bits in between. It does take a long time to figure out, and it's somewhat of a moving target too. Thanks.

    1. oh yes Greengirl, you are so correct!! On the moving target part. . I think that is why sometimes it seems so difficult at that time, because the dynamics shift!. . it SEEMS so difficult but in reflecting back it often appears logical and easy, and I wonder at that time why it seemed so hard to do.

      We are still figuring out how to make it work for us. One day Master put me into a home collar, and wrist and ankle cuffs from the moment we came home. I liked that a lot. I hope we can do that as the rule.


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