Thursday, January 19, 2012

monogamy or non-monogamy? that is the question . . .

Eagles pair for life (photo by Serafina Samadhi)
I don't know if there are accurate statistics for anything regarding the BDSM community, we're a disparate bunch, and, as a community in North America our history is relatively short.  There's also a lack of necessary funding for any truly large scale studies of the kind necessary to establish accurate demographic information.

With that in mind, I can't tell you what percentage of BDSM lifestyle couples are monogamous and how many instead live lives with an element of non-monogamy or polyamory.  It seems more and more that the most prominent examples in our community are poly, that they play with multiple partners, so I'm guessing that group is the majority.  It may also be the case that poly couples are simply more visible, so they perhaps they just seem more prevalent, I can't say for sure . . .

Which brings us to today's topic for thought and consideration, the question of monogamy . . .

Serafina and I have been together for about a decade now, and over that time we've been in both poly and monogamous relationships.  We started as a triad, supposedly using the "tricycle model" - I was to be the "lead wheel" setting the direction for the three of us, just as the front tire directs a trike.

My former submissive and ex-wife was bisexual, and it was her strong desire to include another woman in our relationship the led to the eventual inclusion of Serafina to our home.  We were long distance at first, while she untangled her personal affairs and worked to become truly available to join our family.  Some time after Serafina joined us however, my former wife had a change of heart, and decided to end the triad.

Since that time, Serafina and I have been monogamous.  And, while we had a master/slave relationship in title since the beginning of the relationship, I can honestly say the M/s aspect of the relationship has only truly blossomed since we've become monogamous.

Serafina believes that a true slave can only serve a single Master, and my darling slave/wife expresses her viewpoints with such passion and clarity that I often come around to see her way of thinking.  I know the psychology of giving a "temporary extension" of authority to another on loan, it works for some and not for others.

My ex-wife ex-sub actually performed far better as a submissive when I allowed another to dominate her.  She was driven by different desires, and her supposed motivation was that she was representing me and my training in those performances, so she was especially alert to be at her best.

In the end, everyone out there has their own answer to the monogamy question.  Having played both sides of the coin, so to speak, we aren't here to endorse any particular lifestyle, nor do we wish to detract from the choices that may be a better fit for others.  Our desire is to help forward thought and debate about the choices, even if the debate is simply internal.

I know Serafina truly has no desire to ever serve another.  I promised her long ago that I'd never require anything from her that she was truly incapable of delivering, and I don't think she's capable of delivering proper submission to any other.  I've also described for you, my dear reader, a previous submissive who was the exact opposite, she thrived on being shared.

Mated pair with a youngster (photo by Serafina Samadhi)
One Master might justly be most impressed by my former submissive, nothing could make them feel prouder than to exercise their power by loaning, or giving it, to another.  For me, this was something that worked better in fantasy than it did for my reality.   The whole thing sounds good, but it meant I never got my own sub's best, and that's not the way I wanted to live.

So it's now obvious how the right "fit" was found for myself and Serafina.  She wants to give everything, to give her all, to one man, and one man alone.  I find such service to be not only gratifying and fulfilling, but to be ultimately what I am seeking in return for the great commitment I give to a slave.

Will we be monogamous forever?

Who can say really?

We aren't going to play out any fantasies that could endanger our own relationship. I won't be sharing my authority, nor will Serafina's services be shared.  But it also should be remembered that Serafina has a bit of a dominant streak of her own that she'll want to express some day.  Who's to say we wouldn't entertain an individual wishing to serve a couple, or perhaps even a sbmissive couple?

The timing wouldn't be right for that today, and obviously an individual wishing to serve a couple would have a different mindset than Serafina's in terms of their desires and service.  Perhaps that's why I've deliberately brought this little "discussion" full circle, from poly to monogamy and back.  Because there really isn't a "correct" answer to the debate between poly and monogamous lifestyles, there's just the answer that's right for you, for today.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for this post!!

    I am new to this lifestyle, and it does feel like everyone is poly. I have no issues with peoples' choices for their own relationships, however, sometimes this overwhelming majority can feel like pressure to someone who is new.

    At this point I have to agree with Serafina. Although I have not always been in monogomous relationships in the vanilla world, D/s relationships are somehow different. Submission is so all-consuming that I cannot see how it can extend to anyone else.


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